The fifth wheel is resting on my belt

Can’t write tonight. Foot hurts from impromptu run. I am trying to shape up. I am 31, 6′ 1″, 175 pounds, and I have never really worked out a day in my life. When I was a kid I was clumsy and didn’t play sports because I was clumsy. As I got older I told myself I didn’t play sport because only stupid jocks play sports because part of their conditioning is to compete from birth to become better obedient soldiers to die for god and country (thanks 80’s punk rock and hardcore), but I’m not cynical, always hated cynics.

Luckily I’m gifted with the metabolism of a Ethiopian child. My caloric intake was quadruple my calories burned. They just seemed to disappear with sleep and poop. Double lucky for me though that all of my teens and most of my 20’s I was either vegan, or a vegetarian (thanks again 80’s punk rock and hard-core). Oh, and I was a moderate smoker most of my life as well, been over 2 years since my last drag. It’s funny how I still sometimes crave it.

Now I’m starting to lose my breath while walking up short flights of stairs. I get winded if I have to walk briskly for more than 30 seconds. And somewhere in the past few years Michelin installed a spare right around my waist. Fuck.

So I decided to start running, again. I ran a cumulative 26 mile last year, mostly in June and July, then I just kind of forgot about it. Now I am finding that I need to motivate myself to eat better (not a vegetarian anymore) and stay fit so I don’t turn into Louie Anderson’s Dad from Life With Louie. I am the new poster boy for first world problems.

1.7 miles and I’m sweating like room temperature bacon and my left foot hurts and I am considering lopping it off and getting some of those leg blades that are all the rage in the Special Olympics. My body knows I am doing something to that it doesn’t like and it is expressing itself loud and clear. Screw you body, I own you and can do what ever I feel like to you. After years of smoking, drinking, and sleeping, I am waking your lazy ass up and moving you down the concrete. Bitch all you want muscles and limbs, I can just pain kill you away and do it all over again.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s