habit

Life, death, time, and looking on the brighter side.

Life, death, and time are the three components of life. Someone at work said the most valuable thing you can give someone is your time. Each day that I show up to work I am exchanging a day of my life.. Since it is all finite with unforeseen expiry dates, it seems like such a huge price to pay for a paycheck. I can never gain back that time and it seems so hefty because we never know how much we have to spend.

I will be dead, some day. Cease to exist and will no longer share my thoughts with the world via the internet. No more picture-taking, planning vacations to Rome that I will never take. I will never write again. No more masturbating. What really gets me is I won’t know I am not doing these things, because all existence will have ended, for me. In a small indirect way the world does exist just for me, because when I am gone I will no longer be aware of my lack of experiences, or a lack of world for that matter. Nothingness.

It certainly makes things bleak. Existence is the problem for me. I like existing, a lot. I like experiencing, I like learning and creating, I like it all. Even the painful parts, because I am alive and can experience it.  I don’t know if that motivates me, because then why do anything? It’s not going to matter because I won’t even be here to experience it. It makes it harder to do menial tasks because it all feels like its going to end the same way no matter what I do today or what I leave behind. There are millions of ways that this can go but I prefer to keep the subject of death light.

It all gets very overwhelming sometimes and I sometimes feel I can’t cope. I talked to a therapist about it and she told me to read Jean Paul Sartre Being and Nothingness which my wife happens to own. Ill get to it eventually. So what drives me you ask? I always come back to Monty Pythons ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ song. It perfectly sums up like is quite absurd and death’s the final word. It makes me remember that I sometimes take all of this just a bit to seriously sometimes and to get more out of everything. I mean –

what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing
– you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing.

Read more: Monty Python – Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

Painting By “Premier Devil” (The First Mourning) by Bouguereau 

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Emulation is the best form of self improvement

So catching up on some journaling, and what do you know, Fridays topic was to reflect on my weeks worth of journaling. Laugh out loud. Reflect on what this newfound practice has been like. It’s been a pain in my ass. I’ve gotten so used to writing on my own terms, when I felt like it that it’s hard to break that habit and force myself to write. I have always felt my talent was pure and unadulterated, tainted by no one or nothing. I was always the captain of my destiny and I steer my vessel where I want it to go when I want it. I am not a for hire ferry, I cannot be chartered to a destination not of my choosing.

Here is the problem with being the ferryman of your own destiny, places to go and the true ability to chart the waters. It’s only so long before you ship’s moored up because of failed adventures and unfinished trips, with little to show for you eventually give up. I have been an independent captain too long and now must accept that passengers have destinations not on my itinerary. That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the trip and make a few stops along the way. Like Ishmael I am merely a lover of the ocean and like all men eventually drawn there by nature.

In other words I cannot always be the person to always dictate my content, occasionally, more frequently than not, I must write what as others have written. Hunter S. Thompson retyped The Great Gatsby and Farewell to Arms to feel what it was like to write a great novel. My one gray hope is to write something a fraction as well as the greats, but mostly to stop using the word ‘fuck’ so much and use proper grammar. Heres to hoping.

31 Days of Journaling

Yes, journaling, like a diary for a man. I often visit a site called artofmanliness.com to help improve my manly skills. I know, I’m already a ruggedly handsome gentleman with manliness in spades, but everyone has to brush up on their skills occasionally and as they say, practice makes perfect.
So if you followed the link I posted you will get a basic idea of the challenge. Jumpstart the habit of journaling by following the 31 days of journaling challenge. As I said in my podcast I wrote profusely as a child, all about the problems a child has like getting picked on in school, not getting what I wanted for christmas, or not being able to stay up late and watch Married with Children.
As I grew into my teen years I discovered Poe and goth, punk rock, and the Smashing Pumpkins so a lot of that period of writing turned into angst self-loathing free associative crap, and I’ve never really been able to break that cycle.
When I read this challenge I said fuck yeah, I need something to help get me out of the writing funk I’ve been in for 20 years, I need something new to help me stimulate my creative side, get me back into the habit, and journaling sounded like the perfect resource. It’s also there to help me establish a basic routine which my wife Stephanie is constantly telling me I need to do. I’ve missed two days already.
So here’s what I am going to do, I’m going to play catch up and post to my blog at the same time. I hate writing on a computer, I never learned homerow and I still have to watch my hands as I type so I can’t live proof read. I do like that the computer will always correct my awful spelling, so two birds one stone right? I am also no editor so I’ll leave that up to you as the reader, interpret what you think I am writing and most likely that is correct.