I slept most of the day. I had been forgetting to take my medication at night for a few nights last week and decided to resume taking it on Friday night. It’s a medication that is often used for those with insomnia and is commonly prescribed for people who have bipolar II as I have but it makes me very sleepy the next day. Saturday I awoke at 11 am only because the maid was coming at 12:30 pm and I had to clean up before she arrived, a strange ritual that we do every time we have someone over to clean the house. I assume it’s out of embarrassment for the way we normally live and are afraid of the silent judgment. While the maid cleaned I locked myself into our bedroom with the animals and continued to sleep while Steph went running a few errands and grab me some coffee which ended up tasting burnt. She even commented that she is surprised I wanted coffee from The Coffee Bean as they always seem to burn it. To save my pride I said ‘it’s better than Starbucks burnt coffee’ but in truth, it was about the same, like burnt paper.
Most of the weekend I spent in our office room which has a small couch, my desk which is a small drafting table, and my tv with my game systems. I sometimes sleep on the small couch, or love seat as it may be called. We bought it when we moved in with Steph’s parents to furnish a small room that is almost identically furnished in our new home. We had gotten rid of the full couch we had when we were still renting to replace it when we bought our house. The old couch was upholstered in a fake suede and a light grey color that hadn’t faired well with the cats and dog and was discolored so we donated it to goodwill when we moved into the inlaws. It’s must look weird to see someone my height stretched out on a love seat snoozing comfortably because I am at least 2 feet longer than the couch but I find it comfortable. Years ago a friend of mine taught me that gymnasts and ice skaters would nap with their feet propped up at an angle, above their heart as they slept. Supposedly it makes for better rest during short naps, I still to this day don’t know what that has to do with gymnasts or ice skaters.
I continued The Luminous Novel through Saturday and Sunday, it’s the first book I have committed to reading as an ebook despite ebooks being around for years. It’s not that I have never read any ebook, but to date have yet to finish one. The benefit of reading a real paper book is I can get a good sense of how much I have read just by feeling how many pages are left. It heightens the anticipation, if I am at a really good part and I feel that there are not many pages left it makes the anticipation grow stronger and I get anxious that the whole story will be over soon. I had that feeling on Sunday as I continued to read, then I tapped the screen to see how many pages I have read and how many are left and to my grateful surprise, there was still 75% of the book unread which felt good as I was enjoying it and didn’t want it to end too soon.
Like I mentioned earlier I slept most of Sunday. I had an early morning meeting which was only an hour-long and all I needed to do was to put on a sweater and wash my face since it was via web video. I had trouble logging in even though I gave myself 10 minutes to log in before the 9 am start time and still ended up being 10 minutes late. The meeting code that was sent out was broken but no one bothered to update me and I was trying to use it unsuccessfully for almost 20 minutes before someone responded to a text with the meeting code.
It feels weird to mention work in entries that I intended to publish to the web as I cannot talk openly about what I do. It’s not that I can’t say what I do, it is not that at all. It’s just that I can’t share any true opinion openly about how I feel about what I do or share any meaningful stories about the work I do. Anything I write could be taken out of context and could cost me my job and I really can’t afford to lose this job, it pays well and treats me somewhat fairly so I shouldn’t have any room to complain anyway, but there is always something to be said that I am afraid to say, so I won’t share any of those thoughts openly, at least not at this time.
So back to Sunday. After the meeting I played a bit of Mario Kart on my iPhone, I have been obsessed with it for over a year now. I play it every day, according to the program on my iPhone that calculates how much time I spend using what apps I played Mario Kart for 26 minutes on average every day last week. After several minutes of playing, I went back to sleep on the mini couch in the office. I know I dreamed but I haven’t gotten into a habit of remembering dreams to record them so I don’t know what was going on in it, but I know I had one. I rose at about noon and made myself some coffee, had a bowl of cereal, and then a second then made some toast with unsalted butter and settled into the living room couch. While eating my modest brunch I opened the iPad and read the current fiction short story in the New Yorker (not to be confused with New York magazine) it was a story about two brothers or something, I don’t remember because it wasn’t that striking. I am still remembering a story that was written from two first-person perspectives about a lazy no good 30ish-year-old man who had a bunch of fish tanks that was being kicked out of his parent’s house and how he was trying to sue them, and the story shifted to the mothers perspective halfway and I got to see what a waste of life her son was for abandoning a woman whom he had a child with and how the mother could never forgive him for robbing her of her ability to be a grandmother so she decided he had to go and the mother of his child would move in. It was a good story and I haven’t read one in the New Yorker that had been quite like it since and this was easily several months back.
I went back to sleep till 2 pm or so and only woke up to use the restroom. I decided while I was up I would shower since I didn’t the day before but I hadn’t done anything the previous day except eat Indian food and watch The Suicide Squad which wasn’t that bad but was kinda a mess and confusing in the middle. Much like the first one, it gets lost in the middle and I don’t remember why they are doing what they are doing until I am reminded much later in the film of the stakes at hand. Both movies were about 45 minutes too long.
After the shower, I took out my hair clippers intending to trim up my hair but decided against it as I have bleached hair that is growing out and I usually give myself a buzz with a #2 clip attachment and a fade-on the sides and back. If I cut it too short while it’s bleached I run the risk of cutting it to the roots and the bleached hair will look uneven so I ordered a new box of bleach that should arrive on Friday and then I can clean it up.
Somewhere after my shower lunch (we ordered taquitos for delivery) and 7 pm or so I took the meds I am supposed to take in the morning which is 4 pills in total, a combo of antidepressants, anxiety medication, and a pill for hair loss because I am afraid of being bald. I fell asleep again, dozed off on the main living room couch till about 8:30 pm. That time I didn’t dream but woke with a feeling of laziness and an utter feeling of uselessness. It’s not the same feeling I was having earlier in the year of ‘life is not worth living’ as my psychiatrist asks every time we meet, but not far off.
Steph settled in to watch a show called ‘The OA’. She was just starting the second season and I was having a hard time following along since I didn’t know what was going on so I moved back to the mini couch to read more of The Luminous Novel and inevitably fell asleep again only to be woken at midnight to take the dog outside for his nightly pee and to clean the litter boxes. I started this entry at 12:15 am and now it’s half-past one. I will probably stay up for another hour or so if my nighttime medication permits it and play a bit on my iPad, there is a new Monster Hunter game on Apple Arcade that I was enjoying playing yesterday. I feel too distracted to draw tonight, plus I have to proofread this entry before posting it so I will resume my drawing tomorrow night.
scott bradley roberts 
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